Ahoy mateys. Reverend Rum, literal pirate, aka “The Sprungbringer”, here with a handy guide on how to write good like me.
As the blockchain’s greatest and most prolific author of erotica, This Pirate knows a thing or two about publishin’ literary masterpieces. Ergo, I gets a lot of requests for how to be a better writer! Well fret not, me ‘earties, The Good Reverend is here to teach ye how to be a better writer. Now, ye’r’ll never be as good of a writer as me, mind you, but hopefully these tips and tricks will help ye landlubbers improve.
Ernest Hemingway can be quoted with some bad writin’ advice: “Write drunk; edit sober.” Now, while Yours Truly happens to be a big fan of Hemin’way, he was only half correct. I be here to tell ye the best method of writin’ is “write drunk; fuck editin”. This be the piratical way.
I know ye’r probably already shitfaced and very very busy bloggin’ away, but I have more tips, formatt’d in a nice and easy to follow list. It’s not a Top 10 list, I have more integrity than that (no I don’t).
**Take notes fer later! **
Step 1: Get y’er keyboard out. No, that ain’t no double entendre. This be a non-erotic guide to writin’ in general. Or maybe it is...read on and find out...
Step 2: Stare at y’er screen fer hours. This is the point where y’er mind be blank. Nothing must be stirrin’ up in y’er thinkerbox. This is called “writer’s block” – or better known as “tabula rasa”.
Step 3: Get up, walk around. Be visibly and audibly frustrated. Complain to everybody and nobody about how ye can’t think of what to write. Let it eat away at y’er soul. Y’er worthless. Y’er’ll never be a writer.
Step 4: Find y’er flagon of ale (also known as y’er “muse”). Drink up!
Repeat steps 1 through 4 until y’er empty head be full of amazin' ideas.
Step 5: Write pure fuckin' gold.
Step 6: Go to Pixabay and find arrrt fer y’er post. Remember to not source because ye don’t have to. Thanks Pixabay license!
Step 7: Repeat. Practice. Post. Spam it.
Write because ye can. Write because it’s fun. There be many reasons to write under the sun.
Write whatever ye want. Write a story; write a poem. Don’t listen to feedback. This doesn’t rhyme, it’s not a poem.
And remember: If ye feel like y’er werk be underappreciated, post to the BlackSheepBloggers community and tag. Or post it in BlackSheepBloggers regardless! Such a great initiative. All be welcome with gaping embrace!
Marcus, after reading Reverend Rum’s Incredible Guide On How to Write Good, wiped the sweat off his brow. His writing skills had leveled up significantly.
“Lucy! Come here and read this!” shouted Marcus from across the house.
“I’m right here, you don’t have to yell…”
Marcus apologized “Sorry, I think I just completed my magnum opus.”
Lucy read Marcus’ story. She began to cry.
Marcus was floored...“Was it that bad?”
“No, it was beautiful! It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read!”
“Looks like my job here is done then.” Marcus began putting away his keyboard.
“No wait, leave it out. I want to satisfy you like you satisfied me.”
Then they had sex.